2017/11/15

Execrable: Restless Virgins

Restless Virgins (2013)
Directed by Jason Lapeyre
Written by Abigail Jones, Marissa Miley, Andy Cochran
Produced by Harvey Kahn, Michael Roiff
Starring Vanessa Marano, Max Lloyd-Jones, Charlie Carver, Rami Kahlon, Jedidiah Goodacre, Christie Burke, Anup Sehdev, Zach Martin, Elise Gatien, Jesse Wheeler
"It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge."
--Voltaire
Passions gutter impotently at a cushy prep school between an irresolute, gutlessly vestal jock (Lloyd-Jones) in the school's athletic, preponderant clique and an insufferable aspiring journalist (Marano) whose powerless pique, commitment to social justice and unqualified disregard for privacy motivates her to reveal a tawdry yet consensual gangbang as an outrage characteristic of the reprehensibly stratified institution where she's been favorably matriculated. This tepid fictionalization of an actual minor scandal at Milton Academy (where the lecherous offenders' oral recipient was but 15) is as diverting for its distorted morality as its clueless characterization and desipient dialogue -- what heterosexual male refers to a train as a "daisy chain?!" Safely chaste and obeisant, Lloyd-Jones plays the boyfriend every nascent, delusional shrew imagines ideal, yet wouldn't condescend to admit by proxy under the most ingratiating conditions. Marano's obnoxious quidnunc is an outcast for thematic convenience, but as catty, successful and stunning as any popular student could hope to be, though her beauty's effectively countervailed by a voice evoking Gavin McInnes' burlesques of fatuous SJWs, which only worsens narration wherein every other declaration's introduced by a musty analogy. Despite the protagonists' laughable moral postures, some wisdom's peculiarly dispensed by unexpected characters: the brutal pragmatism of Carver's macho, abhorrently self-aggrandizing lacrosse honcho actually inspires sound counsel (albeit for ignoble motives), and one of Marano's fretful friends (Kahlon) couldn't be more accurate when equating the petty busybody with those hierarchal hates against whom she's waging a vendetta. Ultimately, Jones, Miley, Kahn and Roiff have exploited an incident to protest exploitation in its most innocuous forms, appealing not to the truly downtrodden or impoverished but those in the populace's 1% chafed that they can't partake of the privileges oligopsonized by those who represent the .00001%. As violence, illiberality and propaganda (here at its most dilute) in academic settings have indicated in recent years, that prevalent sect of the left obsessed with social justice is far more wanton, tyrannical and unsustainable than the accursed patriarchy that preceded them on campus.
Instead, watch Animal House.

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